Archive for March, 2011

Taking a leak

Author: evilches
March 29, 2011

[Editor’s Note: This isn’t really a computer joke in that it does not actually mention computers themselves, but it’s along the lines of “If people did X like they buy computers…”, so it seemed to belong here.]

*ring* *ring*

“Hello! Technical Support, how can I help you?”

“Well, I was sorta hoping someone could walk me through taking a leak”

“Okay… well, do you have to go now?”

“Yes, I do”

“Okay… well, are you on male or female equipment?”


“Okay, the first thing we want to do is find your fly..”

“My what?”

“Your fly… it opens your pants. It should be in the front of you. Look down”

“I see shoes”

“No, sir… look sorta in the front of you… like just below your stomach. You should see some metal on your pants. That’s your fly..”

“The round thing?”

“Well, that’s your button… let’s open that, too, while we’re down there. The fly looks like a lot of little metal things sideways”

“Oh, okay.. got it. [pause] Okay, it’s open..”

“Okay, sir… can you grab your willy?”


“Do you see your willy?”


“Okay… what do you see?”

“I see white… just white and some lines..”

“Do you have underwear installed?”


“Sir, if you can’t see your willy, and you see only white… I think that you may have underwear installed. We are going to have to uninstall your underwear to take a leak….”

“Well, my friend was the last one to use my fly… he might have installed underwear…”

“Okay, sir… well grab the white part and pull down… keep pulling until you see your willy..”

“It’s stuck… it won’t go down…”

“The white part? Or your willy?”

“My willy…”

“DON”T pull down on your willy, sir… just the underwear… we only want to get to the point where we can see it….”

“Oh… okay, we’re there….”

“Okay… now look around the room… do you see anything made of porcelain?”

“I see a little penguin on a shelf …”

“Okay, sir…you’re in the living room…. go to the bathroom. We can’t take a leak until we are in the bathroom. The bathroom will have a lot of tile, maybe some carpeting… yours might have mirrors or some soap in it. Some people have showers in their bathrooms…”

“Well, I’m downstairs… I think the bathroom is upstairs…”

“Okay, well… let’s go upstairs…”

“I can’t walk…”

“Okay, sir… temporarily reinstall your underwear… then go upstairs… then uninstall your underwear again…”

“That was the white part, right?”

“Yes, sir… that’s correct…”


“Okay, I’m upstairs…”

“Okay… now do you see any porcelain bowl-type things?”

“Well, there’s two…”

“How tall are you sir?”

“5’4″ ..”

“Okay… go to the one where it’s lower than your willy….”

“Okay….I’m there”

“Okay… now make sure that you are pointing toward the porcelain bowl… now just go…. ”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, when it pops up… just hit “okay”…..”


Perl Script for Sex

Author: evilches
March 28, 2011

During _my_ Perl-absorption period, I caught myself thinking in Perl when I was being, err, intimate with my girlfriend. I was always thinking about how to codify the process. There were signals, subroutines, variables, device drivers, the whole nine yards (pun intended). It went something like this:




@clothes=('shirt', 'bra', 'pants', 'underwear'); 

foreach $i (@clothes) { 
  unlink $i;                    # fsck bedroomfs to recover zombie clothes 
}                               # later

@zones=('lips', 'breasts', 'legs', 'crotch'); 

$idx = 2;                       # start with two minutes; each zone increases 
                                # by one minute
$oral = 0;                      # this should be run-time configurable

foreach $i (@zones) { 
  unless ($i =~ /lips/) {       # lip massage? I don't think so. 
    &rub(60*$idx, $i);          # args are time-in-seconds, spot

  unless ($i =~ /crotch/ && !$oral) { 
    &kiss(60*$idx, $i);


&mount;                         # expect to catch that SLAP_IN_FACE signal
                                # here (if not earlier)

&screw;                         # catches SIGORGASM

# We made it!

Come to think of it, this goes a long way to explaining why I don’t have a girlfriend anymore. 🙂 Oh, well, I’ve got Perl and emacs now, who needs anything else?

BABY manpage

Author: evilches
March 28, 2011
BABY(1)                  USER COMMANDS                    BABY(1)

     BABY - create new process from two parent processes

     BABY sex [ name ]

     /usr/5bin/BABY [ -sex ] [ -name ]

     The System V version of this command is available with the Sys-
     tem  V  software  installation  option.  Refer to Installing
     SunOS 4.1 for information on how to install and invoke BABY.

     BABY is initiated when one parent process polls another server
process through a socket connection (BSD) or through pipes in the
system V implementation. BABY runs at a low priority for approximately
40 weeks then terminates with heavy system load. Most systems require
constant monitering when BABY reaches it's final stages of execution.

        Older implentations of BABY required that the initiating
process not be present at the time of completion, In these versions
the initiating process is awakened and notified of the results upon
completion. Modern versions allow both parent processes to be active
during the final stages of BABY.

          example% BABY -sex m -name fred


          option indicating type of process created.

          process identification to be attaced to the new process.

     Successful execution of the BABY(1) results in new process
     being created and named. Parent processes then typically
     broadcast messages to all other processes informing them of their
     new status in the system.

     The SLEEP command may not work on either parent processes for some
     time afterward, as new BABY processes constantly send interrupts
     which must be handled by one or more parent.

     BABY processes upon being created may frequently dump
     in /tmp requireing /tmp to be cleaned out frequently by one
     of the parent processes.

     The original AT&T version was provided without instuctions
     regarding the created process, this remains in current implementations.

        cigars(6) dump(5) cry(3)


           FSF version of BABY where none of the authors will accept
           responsibility for anything.


        baby -sex f -name Cathryn Leigh Beck

        completed sucessfully at the Grey Nuns Hospital on March 30 at
        9:59 P.M. after 5 hours of labour. New Mom Chenelle is doing
        fine, as is the baby, Dad is tickled pink. Both will probably
        come home sometime on Teusday. More information can be gotten
        from Dad by e-mail or when he brings his new little girl by to
        show her off (should be soon) Celebrations can probably begin
        in earnest after Dad catches up on all the work he couldn't do
        this weekend.

Sun Release 4.1    Last change: Just before I left the hospital last.

SEX manpage

Author: evilches
March 27, 2011
SEX(6)              EUNUCH Programmer's Manual               SEX(6)

     sex - have sex

     sex [ options ] ...  [ username ] ...

     sex allows the invoker to have sex with the user(s) speci-
     fied in the command line.  If no users are specified, they
     are taken from the LOVERS environment variable.  Options to
     make things more interesting are as follows:

     -1   masturbate

     -a   external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option

     -b   buggery

          bestiality with 

     -c   chocolate sauce option

     -C   chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W)

          get a date with the features described in 

     -e   exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net)

     -f   foreplay option

     -F   nasal sex with plants

     -i   coitus interruptus (messy!)

     -j   jacuzzi option (California sites only)

     -l   leather option

     -m   masochism (see -s)

     -M   triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option

     -n   necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program
          kills it)

     -o   oral option

     -O   parallel access (orgy)

     -p   debug option (proposition only)

     -P   pedophilia (must specify a child process)

Printed 2/15/87              2/15/87                            1

SEX(6)              EUNUCH Programmer's Manual               SEX(6)

     -q   quickie (wham, bam, thank you, ma'am)

     -s   sadism (target must set -m)

     -S   sundae option

     -v   voyeurism (surveys the entire net)

     -w   whipped cream option

     -W   whips (see also -s, -C, and -m)

          is a list of default partners which will be used if
          none are specified in the command line.  If any are
          specified, the values in LOVERS is ignored.

     /usr/lib/sex/animals          animals for bestiality

     /usr/lib/sex/blackbook        possible dates

     /usr/lib/sex/sundaes          sundae recipes

     /usr/lib/sex/s&m         sado-masochistic equipment

     ^C (quit process) may leave the user very unsatisfied.

     ^Z (stop process) is usually quite messy.

     Author prefers to be anonymous.

     Oldest program ever.