Perl Script for Sex

Author: evilches
March 28, 2011

During _my_ Perl-absorption period, I caught myself thinking in Perl when I was being, err, intimate with my girlfriend. I was always thinking about how to codify the process. There were signals, subroutines, variables, device drivers, the whole nine yards (pun intended). It went something like this:




@clothes=('shirt', 'bra', 'pants', 'underwear'); 

foreach $i (@clothes) { 
  unlink $i;                    # fsck bedroomfs to recover zombie clothes 
}                               # later

@zones=('lips', 'breasts', 'legs', 'crotch'); 

$idx = 2;                       # start with two minutes; each zone increases 
                                # by one minute
$oral = 0;                      # this should be run-time configurable

foreach $i (@zones) { 
  unless ($i =~ /lips/) {       # lip massage? I don't think so. 
    &rub(60*$idx, $i);          # args are time-in-seconds, spot

  unless ($i =~ /crotch/ && !$oral) { 
    &kiss(60*$idx, $i);


&mount;                         # expect to catch that SLAP_IN_FACE signal
                                # here (if not earlier)

&screw;                         # catches SIGORGASM

# We made it!

Come to think of it, this goes a long way to explaining why I don’t have a girlfriend anymore. 🙂 Oh, well, I’ve got Perl and emacs now, who needs anything else?

3 Responses to “Perl Script for Sex”

  1. renedu Says:

    jajajaj me encanta que le dejaste el comentario del final, algo definitivamente para reflexionar xD

  2. Jason Hanford-Smith Says:

    That was too funny. SIGORGASM FTW!

  3. bobby Says:

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