The Geek Diva » Humor

The only valid measurement of code quality: WTFs/minute

Erika — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 04:18:26 +0000

Meet Beer2-D3

Erika — Sat, 10 Sep 2011 01:20:19 +0000

Beer2-D3 is a distant cousin of R2-D2 made from a mini-keg… Definitely, the Geekeest way to drink beer

(Art and photo by Paul Loughridge)
Read more about it on the http://starwarsblog.starwars.com/index.php/2009/03/17/meet-beer2-d3/

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?

Erika — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 21:15:16 +0000

QUESTION: Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?

ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:

- The Catholic Church’s approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as “breast,” “sex” and “contraception”.
- The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.
- The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn’t really matter if they’re on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It’s all the same.
- Stephen King’s explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!
- Dave Barry’s explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they’re made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I’m not making this up.
- IBM’s explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.
- PETA’s (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You’ve been DELETING them??? Can’t you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don’t you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!

Author: Joel Garreau

High Tech Computer Sales Jargon

Erika — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 00:28:27 +0000

NEW -Different color from previous design

ALL NEW -Parts not interchangable with previous design

EXCLUSIVE -Imported product

UNMATCHED -Almost as good as the competition

DESIGNED SIMPLICITY -Manufacturer’s cost cut to the bone

FOOLPROOF OPERATION -No provision for adjustments

ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn’t understand it

IT’S HERE AT LAST! -Rush job; Nobody knew it was coming

FIELD-TESTED -Manufacturer lacks test equipment

HIGH ACCURACY -Unit on which all parts fit

DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had big argument with distributor

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT -We finally got one that works

REVOLUTIONARY -It’s different from our competitiors

BREAKTHROUGH -We finally figured out a way to sell it

FUTURISTIC -No other reason why it looks the way it does

DISTINCTIVE -A different shape and color than the others

MAINTENANCE-FREE -Impossible to fix

RE-DESIGNED -Previous faults corrected, we hope…

HAND-CRAFTED -Assembly machines operated without gloves on

PERFORMANCE PROVEN - Will operate through the warranty period

MEETS ALL STANDARDS -Ours, not yours

ALL SOLID-STATE -Heavy as Hell!

BROADCAST QUALITY -Gives a picture and produces noise

HIGH RELIABILITY -We made it work long enough to ship it

SMPTE BUS COMPATABILE - When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound

NEW GENERATION -Old design failed, maybe this one will work

MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS - We got a good deal at a government auction

CUSTOMER SERVICE ACROSS THE COUNTRY - You can return it from most airports

UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE - Nothing we ever had before worked THIS way

BUILT TO PRECISION TOLERANCES - We finally got it to fit together

SATISFACTION GUARANTEED - Manufacturer’s, upon cashing your check

MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED -Does things we can’t explain

LATEST AER0SPACE TECHNOLOGY - One of our techs was laid off by Boeing

Tiempo libre…

Erika — Tue, 31 May 2011 00:59:46 +0000

RAID Pictured

Erika — Mon, 23 May 2011 02:30:06 +0000

A no-brainer, non-geek presentation of what the different RAID levels mean. :)

Useful Computer Acronyms

Erika — Thu, 19 May 2011 16:46:15 +0000

PCMCIA: People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI: System Can’t See It
DOS: Defunct Operating System
BASIC: Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW: World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

To register… solve the Captcha

Erika — Wed, 18 May 2011 19:48:57 +0000

Geek Biological Cycle on Weekends

Erika — Tue, 17 May 2011 17:03:23 +0000

Taking a leak

Erika — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 17:26:16 +0000

[Editor's Note: This isn't really a computer joke in that it does not actually mention computers themselves, but it's along the lines of "If people did X like they buy computers...", so it seemed to belong here.]

*ring* *ring*

“Hello! Technical Support, how can I help you?”

“Well, I was sorta hoping someone could walk me through taking a leak”

“Okay… well, do you have to go now?”

“Yes, I do”

“Okay… well, are you on male or female equipment?”

“MALE-CLONE…”

“Okay, the first thing we want to do is find your fly..”

“My what?”

“Your fly… it opens your pants. It should be in the front of you. Look down”

“I see shoes”

“No, sir… look sorta in the front of you… like just below your stomach. You should see some metal on your pants. That’s your fly..”

“The round thing?”

“Well, that’s your button… let’s open that, too, while we’re down there. The fly looks like a lot of little metal things sideways”

“Oh, okay.. got it. [pause] Okay, it’s open..”

“Okay, sir… can you grab your willy?”

“No.”

“Do you see your willy?”

“No.”

“Okay… what do you see?”

“I see white… just white and some lines..”

“Do you have underwear installed?”

“No.”

“Sir, if you can’t see your willy, and you see only white… I think that you may have underwear installed. We are going to have to uninstall your underwear to take a leak….”

“Well, my friend was the last one to use my fly… he might have installed underwear…”

“Okay, sir… well grab the white part and pull down… keep pulling until you see your willy..”

“It’s stuck… it won’t go down…”

“The white part? Or your willy?”

“My willy…”

“DON”T pull down on your willy, sir… just the underwear… we only want to get to the point where we can see it….”

“Oh… okay, we’re there….”

“Okay… now look around the room… do you see anything made of porcelain?”

“I see a little penguin on a shelf …”

“Okay, sir…you’re in the living room…. go to the bathroom. We can’t take a leak until we are in the bathroom. The bathroom will have a lot of tile, maybe some carpeting… yours might have mirrors or some soap in it. Some people have showers in their bathrooms…”

“Well, I’m downstairs… I think the bathroom is upstairs…”

“Okay, well… let’s go upstairs…”

“I can’t walk…”

“Okay, sir… temporarily reinstall your underwear… then go upstairs… then uninstall your underwear again…”

“That was the white part, right?”

“Yes, sir… that’s correct…”

[pause]

“Okay, I’m upstairs…”

“Okay… now do you see any porcelain bowl-type things?”

“Well, there’s two…”

“How tall are you sir?”

“5’4″ ..”

“Okay… go to the one where it’s lower than your willy….”

“Okay….I’m there”

“Okay… now make sure that you are pointing toward the porcelain bowl… now just go…. ”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, when it pops up… just hit “okay”…..”

Source: http://monster-island.org/tinashumor/humor/leak.html