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During _my_ Perl-absorption period, I caught myself thinking in Perl when I was being, err, intimate with my girlfriend. I was always thinking about how to codify the process. There were signals, subroutines, variables, device drivers, the whole nine yards (pun intended). It went something like this:
#!/usr/games/perl
$SIG{'SLAP_IN_FACE'}='cold_shower';
@clothes=('shirt', 'bra', 'pants', 'underwear');
foreach $i (@clothes) {
unlink $i; # fsck bedroomfs to recover zombie clothes
} # later
@zones=('lips', 'breasts', 'legs', 'crotch');
$idx = 2; # start with two minutes; each zone increases
# by one minute
$oral = 0; # this should be run-time configurable
foreach $i (@zones) {
$idx++;
unless ($i =~ /lips/) { # lip massage? I don't think so.
&rub(60*$idx, $i); # args are time-in-seconds, spot
}
unless ($i =~ /crotch/ && !$oral) {
&kiss(60*$idx, $i);
}
}
&mount; # expect to catch that SLAP_IN_FACE signal
# here (if not earlier)
&screw; # catches SIGORGASM
# We made it!
&dismount;
&smoke;
return(0);
Come to think of it, this goes a long way to explaining why I don’t have a girlfriend anymore. 
Oh, well, I’ve got Perl and emacs now, who needs anything else?
BABY(1) USER COMMANDS BABY(1)
NAME
BABY - create new process from two parent processes
SYNOPSIS
BABY sex [ name ]
SYSTEM V SYNOPSIS
/usr/5bin/BABY [ -sex ] [ -name ]
AVAILABILITY
The System V version of this command is available with the Sys-
tem V software installation option. Refer to Installing
SunOS 4.1 for information on how to install and invoke BABY.
DESCRIPTION
BABY is initiated when one parent process polls another server
process through a socket connection (BSD) or through pipes in the
system V implementation. BABY runs at a low priority for approximately
40 weeks then terminates with heavy system load. Most systems require
constant monitering when BABY reaches it's final stages of execution.
Older implentations of BABY required that the initiating
process not be present at the time of completion, In these versions
the initiating process is awakened and notified of the results upon
completion. Modern versions allow both parent processes to be active
during the final stages of BABY.
example% BABY -sex m -name fred
OPTIONS
-sex
option indicating type of process created.
-name
process identification to be attaced to the new process.
RESULT
Successful execution of the BABY(1) results in new process
being created and named. Parent processes then typically
broadcast messages to all other processes informing them of their
new status in the system.
BUGS
The SLEEP command may not work on either parent processes for some
time afterward, as new BABY processes constantly send interrupts
which must be handled by one or more parent.
BABY processes upon being created may frequently dump
in /tmp requireing /tmp to be cleaned out frequently by one
of the parent processes.
The original AT&T version was provided without instuctions
regarding the created process, this remains in current implementations.
SEE ALSO
cigars(6) dump(5) cry(3)
OTHER IMPLEMENTATIONS
gnoops(1)
FSF version of BABY where none of the authors will accept
responsibility for anything.
NOTES
baby -sex f -name Cathryn Leigh Beck
completed sucessfully at the Grey Nuns Hospital on March 30 at
9:59 P.M. after 5 hours of labour. New Mom Chenelle is doing
fine, as is the baby, Dad is tickled pink. Both will probably
come home sometime on Teusday. More information can be gotten
from Dad by e-mail or when he brings his new little girl by to
show her off (should be soon) Celebrations can probably begin
in earnest after Dad catches up on all the work he couldn't do
this weekend.
Sun Release 4.1 Last change: Just before I left the hospital last.
SEX(6) EUNUCH Programmer's Manual SEX(6)
NAME
sex - have sex
SYNOPSIS
sex [ options ] ... [ username ] ...
DESCRIPTION
sex allows the invoker to have sex with the user(s) speci-
fied in the command line. If no users are specified, they
are taken from the LOVERS environment variable. Options to
make things more interesting are as follows:
-1 masturbate
-a external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option
-b buggery
-B
bestiality with
-c chocolate sauce option
-C chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W)
-d
get a date with the features described in
-e exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net)
-f foreplay option
-F nasal sex with plants
-i coitus interruptus (messy!)
-j jacuzzi option (California sites only)
-l leather option
-m masochism (see -s)
-M triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option
-n necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program
kills it)
-o oral option
-O parallel access (orgy)
-p debug option (proposition only)
-P pedophilia (must specify a child process)
Printed 2/15/87 2/15/87 1
SEX(6) EUNUCH Programmer's Manual SEX(6)
-q quickie (wham, bam, thank you, ma'am)
-s sadism (target must set -m)
-S sundae option
-v voyeurism (surveys the entire net)
-w whipped cream option
-W whips (see also -s, -C, and -m)
ENVIRONMENT
LOVERS
is a list of default partners which will be used if
none are specified in the command line. If any are
specified, the values in LOVERS is ignored.
FILES
/usr/lib/sex/animals animals for bestiality
/usr/lib/sex/blackbook possible dates
/usr/lib/sex/sundaes sundae recipes
/usr/lib/sex/s&m sado-masochistic equipment
BUGS
^C (quit process) may leave the user very unsatisfied.
^Z (stop process) is usually quite messy.
MAN AUTHOR
Author prefers to be anonymous.
HISTORY
Oldest program ever.
Michael Jordan having “retired,” with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there.
If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
He’ll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you’d be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he’ll pull in about $5600.
This year, he’ll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn’t it?
However…
If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he’ll still have less than Bill Gates has today.
$$$ Game over. Nerd wins.
Dear love,
Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in Trigonometric plane. There I saw you with your cute circular face, conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden. Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of Magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated.
My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity. I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity.
You are as essential to me as an element to a set. The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality. My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10.
With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.
Cheers,
X
The best geek movie in human history… Java 4-ever 
This is an EXCELLENT document I’ve found over the net some years ago about how to become a successful and respectable IEEE author… It is hilarious indeed, and worst of all, it is EXTREMELY close to reality… go check for yourselves and have some fun!
