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072-625 – Connected Home Integrator
072-626 – Consumer Sales Specialist
072-291 – Implement,Managing&Maintaining a MS Win 2003 Network Infra
072-284 – Implementing & Managing MS Exchange Server 2003
072-299 – Implementing Security in a MS Win Server 2003 Network
072-270 – Installing, Config., Admin. MS WinXP Professional
072-290 – Managing & Maintaining a MS Win Server 2003 Environment
072-558 – MCAD Skills to MCTS Windows Apps by Using the MS .NET Frmwrk
072-178 – Microsoft Project 2010, Managing Projects
072-401 – MS System Center Configuration Manager 2007, Configuring
072-238 – Pro: Deploying Messaging Solutions w/MS Exchange Server 2007
072-443 – PRO: Design a DB Server Infrastru by Using MS SQL Serv 2005
072-622 – Pro: Microsoft Desktop Support – Enterprise
072-623 – Pro: Microsoft Desktop Support Consumer
072-621 – Pro: Upgrading Your MCDST Cert to MCITP Enterprise Support
072-646 – Pro: Windows Server 2008, Server Administrator
072-563 – PRO:Design & Dev Windows Apps Using the MS .NET Framework3.5
072-237 – Pro:Designing Messaging Solutions with MS Exchange Serv 2007
072-271 – Supporting Users & Troubleshooting a MS Win XP Operating Sys
072-272 – Supporting Users & Troubleshooting Desktop Apps on MS Win XP
072-403 – System Center Virtual Machine Manager, Configuring
072-516 – TS: Accessing Data with MS .NET Framework 4
072-236 – TS: Configuring Exchange Server 2007
072-630 – TS: Configuring Microsoft Office SharePoint Server 2007
072-631 – TS: Configuring Microsoft Windows SharePoint Services 3.0
072-620 – TS: Configuring Windows Vista Client
072-656 – TS: Microsoft Desktop Optimization Pack, Configuring
072-662 – TS: Microsoft Exchange Server 2010, Configuring
072-557 – TS: Microsoft Forefront Client and Server, Configuring
072-664 – TS: Microsoft Lync Server 2010, Configuring
072-555 – TS: Microsoft Office Groove 2007, Configuring
072-632 – TS: Microsoft Office Project 2007, Managing Projects
072-177 – TS: Microsoft Project Server 2010, Configuring
072-573 – TS: Microsoft SharePoint 2010, Application Development
072-667 – TS: Microsoft SharePoint 2010, Configuring
072-431 – TS: Microsoft SQL Server 2005 Implementation & Maintenance
072-433 – TS: Microsoft SQL Server 2008, Database Development
072-545 – TS: Microsoft Visio 2007, Application Development
072-571 – TS: Microsoft Windows Embedded CE 6.0, Developing
072-577 – TS: Microsoft Windows Embedded Standard 2009, Development
072-540 – TS: Microsoft Windows Mobile Application Development
072-529 – TS: MS .NET Framework 2.0 – Distributed Appl Development
072-526 – TS: MS .NET Framework 2.0- Windows Based Client Development
072-536 – TS: MS .NET Framework 2.0-Application Develop Foundation
072-528 – TS: MS .NET Framework 2.0-Web-based Client Development
072-561 – TS: MS .NET Framework 3.5, ADO.NET Application Development
072-562 – TS: MS .NET Framework 3.5, ASP.NET Application Development
072-505 – TS: MS .NET Framework 305, Windows Forms App Dev
072-504 – TS: MS .NET Frmewrk 3.5, Workflow Foundation App Dev
072-502 – TS: MS .NET Frmewrk3.5, Wndws Presentation Fndation App Dev
072-503 – TS: MS .NET Frmwrk 3.5, Wndws Commun Fndtion App Dev
072-635 – TS: MS Deployment Toolkit 2008, Desktop Deployment
072-638 – TS: MS Office Communications Server 2007, Configuring
072-556 – TS: MS Office PerformancePoint Server 2007, Applications
072-633 – TS: MS Office Project Server 2007, Managing Projects
072-542 – TS: MS Office SharePoint Server 2007-Application Development
072-445 – TS: MS SQL Server 2005 Business Intelligence-Implem & Mainte
072-432 – TS: MS SQL Server 2008, Implementation and Maintenance
072-400 – TS: MS System Center Operations Manager, Configuring
072-500 – TS: MS Windows Mobile Designing, Implementing, and Managing
072-541 – TS: MS Windows SharePoint Srvcs 3.0 Application Development
072-639 – TS: MSOffice Proj Serv 2007, Config, For MS Cert Partners
072-506 – TS: Silverlight 4, Development
072-658 – TS: System Center Data Protection Manager 2007, Configuring
072-510 – TS: Visual Studio 2005 Team Foundation Server
072-512 – TS: Visual Studio Team Foundation Server 2010, Administratio
072-543 – TS: Visual Studio Tools for 2007 MS Office System (VTSO)
072-515 – TS: Web Apps Development with MS .NET Framework 4
072-681 – TS: Windows 7 and Office 2010, Deploying
072-680 – TS: Windows 7, Configuring
072-683 – TS: Windows 7, Preinstalling for OEMs
072-511 – TS: Windows Apps Development w/MS .NET Framework 4
072-582 – TS: Windows Embedded Standard 7 for Developers
072-654 – TS: Windows Essential Business Server 2008, Configuring
072-691 – TS: Windows HPC Server 2008, Developing
072-660 – TS: Windows Internals
072-580 – TS: Windows Mobile 6.5, Application Development
072-579 – TS: Windows Mobile 6.5, Configuring
072-640 – TS: Windows Server 2008 Active Directory, Configuring
072-642 – TS: Windows Server 2008 Network Infrastructure, Configuring
072-669 – TS: Windows Server 2008 R2, Desktop Virtualization
072-659 – TS: Windows Server 2008 R2, Server Virtualization
072-652 – TS: Windows Server Virtualization, Configuring
072-653 – TS: Windows Small Business Server 2008, Configuring
072-513 – TS: Wndws Communication Foundation Dev w/MS .NET Frmwk 4
072-241 – TS:Busin Process & Integration Sol by Using MS BizTalkServR2
072-595 – TS:Dev Business Process & Integ Solutions Using BizTlk 2010
072-235 – TS:Devlping Busin Process & Intgrtion Sol Using MS Biz Tlk06
072-351 – TS:MS Internet Security & Acceleration Serv 2006,Configuring
072-448 – TS:MS SQL Server 2008, Business Intelligence Dev & Maintenan
072-648 – TS:Upgrading MCSA on Wndws Serv 2003 to Wndws Serv 2008
072-649 – TS:Upgrading MCSE on Wndws Serv 2003 to Wndws Serv 2008
072-643 – TS:Windows Serv 2008 Applications Infrastructure, Configurin
072-169 – TS:Windows Small Business Server 2011 Standard, Configuring
072-655 – TS:Windows Vista & Serv Op Systems, Pre-Installing for OEMs
072-566 – UPG:Transition Your MCPD Wind Dev Skill to MCPD Wind Dev 3.5
072-559 – UPGRADE: MCAD Skills to MCTS Web Apps Using MS .NET Frwrk
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[Editor's Note: This isn't really a computer joke in that it does not actually mention computers themselves, but it's along the lines of "If people did X like they buy computers...", so it seemed to belong here.]
*ring* *ring*
“Hello! Technical Support, how can I help you?”
“Well, I was sorta hoping someone could walk me through taking a leak”
“Okay… well, do you have to go now?”
“Yes, I do”
“Okay… well, are you on male or female equipment?”
“MALE-CLONE…”
“Okay, the first thing we want to do is find your fly..”
“My what?”
“Your fly… it opens your pants. It should be in the front of you. Look down”
“I see shoes”
“No, sir… look sorta in the front of you… like just below your stomach. You should see some metal on your pants. That’s your fly..”
“The round thing?”
“Well, that’s your button… let’s open that, too, while we’re down there. The fly looks like a lot of little metal things sideways”
“Oh, okay.. got it. [pause] Okay, it’s open..”
“Okay, sir… can you grab your willy?”
“No.”
“Do you see your willy?”
“No.”
“Okay… what do you see?”
“I see white… just white and some lines..”
“Do you have underwear installed?”
“No.”
“Sir, if you can’t see your willy, and you see only white… I think that you may have underwear installed. We are going to have to uninstall your underwear to take a leak….”
“Well, my friend was the last one to use my fly… he might have installed underwear…”
“Okay, sir… well grab the white part and pull down… keep pulling until you see your willy..”
“It’s stuck… it won’t go down…”
“The white part? Or your willy?”
“My willy…”
“DON”T pull down on your willy, sir… just the underwear… we only want to get to the point where we can see it….”
“Oh… okay, we’re there….”
“Okay… now look around the room… do you see anything made of porcelain?”
“I see a little penguin on a shelf …”
“Okay, sir…you’re in the living room…. go to the bathroom. We can’t take a leak until we are in the bathroom. The bathroom will have a lot of tile, maybe some carpeting… yours might have mirrors or some soap in it. Some people have showers in their bathrooms…”
“Well, I’m downstairs… I think the bathroom is upstairs…”
“Okay, well… let’s go upstairs…”
“I can’t walk…”
“Okay, sir… temporarily reinstall your underwear… then go upstairs… then uninstall your underwear again…”
“That was the white part, right?”
“Yes, sir… that’s correct…”
[pause]
“Okay, I’m upstairs…”
“Okay… now do you see any porcelain bowl-type things?”
“Well, there’s two…”
“How tall are you sir?”
“5’4″ ..”
“Okay… go to the one where it’s lower than your willy….”
“Okay….I’m there”
“Okay… now make sure that you are pointing toward the porcelain bowl… now just go…. ”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, when it pops up… just hit “okay”…..”
Source: http://monster-island.org/tinashumor/humor/leak.html
During _my_ Perl-absorption period, I caught myself thinking in Perl when I was being, err, intimate with my girlfriend. I was always thinking about how to codify the process. There were signals, subroutines, variables, device drivers, the whole nine yards (pun intended). It went something like this:
#!/usr/games/perl
$SIG{'SLAP_IN_FACE'}='cold_shower';
@clothes=('shirt', 'bra', 'pants', 'underwear');
foreach $i (@clothes) {
unlink $i; # fsck bedroomfs to recover zombie clothes
} # later
@zones=('lips', 'breasts', 'legs', 'crotch');
$idx = 2; # start with two minutes; each zone increases
# by one minute
$oral = 0; # this should be run-time configurable
foreach $i (@zones) {
$idx++;
unless ($i =~ /lips/) { # lip massage? I don't think so.
&rub(60*$idx, $i); # args are time-in-seconds, spot
}
unless ($i =~ /crotch/ && !$oral) {
&kiss(60*$idx, $i);
}
}
&mount; # expect to catch that SLAP_IN_FACE signal
# here (if not earlier)
&screw; # catches SIGORGASM
# We made it!
&dismount;
&smoke;
return(0);
Come to think of it, this goes a long way to explaining why I don’t have a girlfriend anymore. 
Oh, well, I’ve got Perl and emacs now, who needs anything else?
BABY(1) USER COMMANDS BABY(1)
NAME
BABY - create new process from two parent processes
SYNOPSIS
BABY sex [ name ]
SYSTEM V SYNOPSIS
/usr/5bin/BABY [ -sex ] [ -name ]
AVAILABILITY
The System V version of this command is available with the Sys-
tem V software installation option. Refer to Installing
SunOS 4.1 for information on how to install and invoke BABY.
DESCRIPTION
BABY is initiated when one parent process polls another server
process through a socket connection (BSD) or through pipes in the
system V implementation. BABY runs at a low priority for approximately
40 weeks then terminates with heavy system load. Most systems require
constant monitering when BABY reaches it's final stages of execution.
Older implentations of BABY required that the initiating
process not be present at the time of completion, In these versions
the initiating process is awakened and notified of the results upon
completion. Modern versions allow both parent processes to be active
during the final stages of BABY.
example% BABY -sex m -name fred
OPTIONS
-sex
option indicating type of process created.
-name
process identification to be attaced to the new process.
RESULT
Successful execution of the BABY(1) results in new process
being created and named. Parent processes then typically
broadcast messages to all other processes informing them of their
new status in the system.
BUGS
The SLEEP command may not work on either parent processes for some
time afterward, as new BABY processes constantly send interrupts
which must be handled by one or more parent.
BABY processes upon being created may frequently dump
in /tmp requireing /tmp to be cleaned out frequently by one
of the parent processes.
The original AT&T version was provided without instuctions
regarding the created process, this remains in current implementations.
SEE ALSO
cigars(6) dump(5) cry(3)
OTHER IMPLEMENTATIONS
gnoops(1)
FSF version of BABY where none of the authors will accept
responsibility for anything.
NOTES
baby -sex f -name Cathryn Leigh Beck
completed sucessfully at the Grey Nuns Hospital on March 30 at
9:59 P.M. after 5 hours of labour. New Mom Chenelle is doing
fine, as is the baby, Dad is tickled pink. Both will probably
come home sometime on Teusday. More information can be gotten
from Dad by e-mail or when he brings his new little girl by to
show her off (should be soon) Celebrations can probably begin
in earnest after Dad catches up on all the work he couldn't do
this weekend.
Sun Release 4.1 Last change: Just before I left the hospital last.
SEX(6) EUNUCH Programmer's Manual SEX(6)
NAME
sex - have sex
SYNOPSIS
sex [ options ] ... [ username ] ...
DESCRIPTION
sex allows the invoker to have sex with the user(s) speci-
fied in the command line. If no users are specified, they
are taken from the LOVERS environment variable. Options to
make things more interesting are as follows:
-1 masturbate
-a external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option
-b buggery
-B
bestiality with
-c chocolate sauce option
-C chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W)
-d
get a date with the features described in
-e exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net)
-f foreplay option
-F nasal sex with plants
-i coitus interruptus (messy!)
-j jacuzzi option (California sites only)
-l leather option
-m masochism (see -s)
-M triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option
-n necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program
kills it)
-o oral option
-O parallel access (orgy)
-p debug option (proposition only)
-P pedophilia (must specify a child process)
Printed 2/15/87 2/15/87 1
SEX(6) EUNUCH Programmer's Manual SEX(6)
-q quickie (wham, bam, thank you, ma'am)
-s sadism (target must set -m)
-S sundae option
-v voyeurism (surveys the entire net)
-w whipped cream option
-W whips (see also -s, -C, and -m)
ENVIRONMENT
LOVERS
is a list of default partners which will be used if
none are specified in the command line. If any are
specified, the values in LOVERS is ignored.
FILES
/usr/lib/sex/animals animals for bestiality
/usr/lib/sex/blackbook possible dates
/usr/lib/sex/sundaes sundae recipes
/usr/lib/sex/s&m sado-masochistic equipment
BUGS
^C (quit process) may leave the user very unsatisfied.
^Z (stop process) is usually quite messy.
MAN AUTHOR
Author prefers to be anonymous.
HISTORY
Oldest program ever.
Michael Jordan having “retired,” with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there.
If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
He’ll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you’d be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he’ll pull in about $5600.
This year, he’ll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn’t it?
However…
If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he’ll still have less than Bill Gates has today.
$$$ Game over. Nerd wins.
Dear love,
Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in Trigonometric plane. There I saw you with your cute circular face, conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden. Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of Magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated.
My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity. I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity.
You are as essential to me as an element to a set. The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality. My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10.
With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.
Cheers,
X